Spa Spy Gets Tango’d

Kissed By Mii (60 minutes, £37) is an enjoyably and relaxing treatment for sure, and now, a week later, my skin looks glowingly golden and natural.

However, I was unprepared for the immediate effect. Somehow I ignored the pre-warning when I booked for the treatment at the lovely Gainsborough Spa in Suffolk that I would have to leave the ‘guide tint’ on overnight.

The ‘tint’, I discovered as I drove home that afternoon is bright orange. I mean glaring luminous Oompa Loompa orange, the sort of hue that even a member of TOWIE would find too much. Luckily I was not in the city, so did not have to suffer the indignity of looking like a giant amber idiot on the tube and train. Also luckily I was not wearing leopard print or chain smoking. However, I did have to drive home in bright sunlight in rush hour, praying that my car didn’t break down and that no one looked too closely at the crazy blonde carrot at the wheel.

Note to self: next time I have a fake tan, make sure I do it close to home - and get all the shopping in beforehand so I don’t have to explain myself to horrified checkout girl. Also warn the children. Teenager briefly thought I had some degenerative liver disease.

You have to leave the ‘guide tint’ on overnight so that the tan develops, but I chickened out and washed my face as soon as I got home. Luckily the lovely people at Gainsborough had given me a bottle of tan to take away and a mitt to apply it, so I could always top up.

My therapist Lucy applied the tan all over, but still managed to maintain my modesty with towels, so obviously she will miss something (in my case, between the thighs). She asked if I wanted my face and chest done (above the nipple, again discreetly, quickly and respectfully done under the towel), so you could do your face yourself when you got home. I would probably do that next time.

Before applying the tan, she gave me a body scrub so my skin was perfectly prepped and felt great. She then applied moisturiser to the bits where tans tend to pool, such as knees and elbows, knuckles and ankles: the result being the kind of enviable even tan I never manage by myself.

The Mii tan products, including scrub, tan and moisturiser, are paraben free, created with marine ingredients, coral seaweed and coastal flowers, so not only do they smell refreshing they are also kind to your skin.

At the end, Lucy invited me to stand facing the wall in my disposable thong, holding the towel up to my front, just so she could check everything was evenly applied on my back - the area I would obviously not be able to touch up myself. She was so polite and respectful that I didn’t mind at all.

The next morning before work I showered off the orange, revealing a light golden tan underneath. That’s more like it! People in the office were impressed, although my hands remained a bit streaky orange for two days. Still, it provided some amusement. The advice was to moisturise to prolong the tan, which would fade naturally after a month.

A week later, I look like a sun-kissed Goddess, even on my face. No top up is needed, but other family members have their eye on my tanning lotion, including pasty pre-exam teen and even Mr Spa Spy, who behind his rough masculine bluster is clearly a bit of a tart. Maybe I won’t mention the orange part…

For more tanning product reviews see here.